I've Come to Realize
by SunnyHinata
Summary: introspective, mostly.


**that my butt has noodles stuck to it…**

"Oi! Sai!" Naruto called to me, slurping down some noodles while sitting at one of his favorite food stands. I was curious as to what he might want and decided to move over to him. '_This could be a good learning experience. I've never seen Naruto eat noodles before. I might learn something.'_

I approached the flap covering the doorway to restaurant. Lifting it up, I slipped inside smoothly and sat down on a one of the stools. Naruto turned to grin at me. Not understanding what I had done, I looked at him and asked, "What's so funny?"

"Y just sat on noodles!" Good thing I am Sai, and not anyone else, because if I _were _anyone else I would have been thoroughly embarrassed. Or I might have pounded Naruto into the ground, proving that not only Sakura can PMS.

**that when I talk I need to seriously be updated on what has been going on lately…**

So, there I was, going about a million miles an hour trying to tell Kiba about my team's new mission that we were supposed to me leaving for today. I was in a hurry because we had to leave in like, an hour and I still hadn't gotten my stuff packed. Yay for procrastination.

"So, it sounds pretty cool. But, the question _is_, can you handle it?" Kiba challenged me. Appalled that he would even ask the question, I retorted back.

"Who do you think I am, some lowly genin?" I questioned, irritated that he might think so.

"Well, you are still of the genin rank, are you not?" Shino put in. He was probably just miffed because I didn't recognize him when Pervy Sage and I first got back. How was I supposed to have anyway? He always hiding under all those thick coats and hoods, no wonder I didn't know who he was!

Lucky for the both of them that their third teammate was there, or else they would have got a taste of my new techniques. "You don't think I'm only genin rank, right Hinata?" I asked, looking to her. I knew that she'd always be behind me, all the way until I reached Hokage.

"Umm…I think that you are… s-strong," she offered quietly. I grinned at her, then looked at Kiba, silently calling him out.

"I'd fight you, but I don't want you injured for you mission," he told us all. Cocky jerk.

"Naw, I know you don't want to fight me because you're afraid to lose in front of your crush," I provoked, knowing that once upon a time, way back in the day when we were just kids, Kiba had said something about liking Hinata. Well, at least I think he had.

"Who? Where is she? I don't see her," Kiba said, obviously playing dumb. I knew it too because he was looking anywhere but at Hinata.

"Right there." I mimed, gesturing at Hinata. Jeeze, that guy could be an idiot.

"Naruto, _**what**_ are you talking about?" Kiba said, puzzlement evident on his features. Hinata looked at the ground as red seeped over her face.

"Perhaps Naruto is more out of the loop than we previously thought," Shino guessed, adjusting his dark sunglasses. "Kiba has a girlfriend," he stated simply.

Instead of acting rashly like I usually would, I thought for a second before saying something sly and getting all three of their feathers ruffled.

"So…" I began, taking a few steps forward until I came directly in front of Hinata, who was now watching something off in the distance. "You're available?" I said, smiling brightly at her. She immediately froze on the spot, not even her hair moved in the breeze. Her eyes went wide as I leaned in to her, braced off. Kiba and Shino did nothing to stop me, which was really surprising. "I'll call you later," I whispered in her ear, before leaping off while cackling madly.

Being back in town was fun.

**that when I love someone, nothing goes as planned…**

Months. That's how long it's been since Asuma passed. No, I shouldn't say passed, because it was much more than that. He died on a mission. A very important one at that. I think I'll say… Gone on valiantly. That's better, _much _better.

I suppose I should get out more, not just for me, but for the baby too; who wants a mom that's always depressed and mope-y all the time? I never did, but thankfully my parents were still alive then. Both of them.

So, a few days ago Konohamaru said he'd come over and watch the baby. It'll be good for him, I think. No one has really played with him, besides myself. I wish Asuma could be here.

An old proverb once said; 'To retain something of value, something of equal value must be lost.' So losing Asuma and gaining my son was what it was saying, I think. I guess love never goes as planned.

**that I need someone to make fun of…**

"Na-ru-to!" Sakura yelled, sending a punch into my idiot teammate. Note; don't tick off Sakura before training when she still has the energy to do something about it. Not that I'm worried. She couldn't beat me if she tried. Amateur.

I leaned back against the tree I was sitting near as Naruto flew threw the air, having been sent by a destructive punch from Sakura. Actually, Sai was the one that said something to her, but for some reason Naruto was receiving the brunt of the attack. Go figure, it was just like Sakura to blame without a purpose.

Kakashi grinned under his mask as Sakura turned to me and glared as hard as I've ever seen her glare (well, at me anyways). The girl marched over began lecturing me for some ludicrous reason. "How could you even do that?" she demanded.

Having no clue what she was talking about, but not showing it, I said, "So what if I did?" Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because she lashed out and sunk her hand into the tree behind me, splintering the wood. I looked to Sai for some indication of what I had 'done'. Stupid emotionless face. I got nothing out of him, so I looked to Naruto who was trying to stroll over to the rest of us like he hadn't just been sent barreling though the air.

"Don't ignore me! I never would have believed it at first were it not for the fact that Naruto said he saw you, but Sai told me that you had been peeking at the bath houses!"

Sakura drilled, now leaning back on one of her feet and folding her arms together in a useless fashion.

"Naruto said I was doing what?" I asked, unusually incredulous.

"Or who," Kakashi said, looking off into the distance as if fascinated by the trees. I glared at him, even though he couldn't see.

"Exactly!" Sakura said, looking at Kakashi. I smirked at her before she realized her mistake. "That's not what I meant!"

"Yes, it is," Naruto teased. "You just don't want Sasuke checking out other women besides you."

"I wouldn't check out Sakura anyway; there's nothing to see," Sai said.

"Excuse me?" Sakura said, staring straight at him. Finally she gave up, throwing her hands in the air. Literally growling, she marched off.

"It's fun to provoke her," Naruto said, grinning like a mad man. I had to silently agree with him.

**that** **I've lost less than I've gained…**

I had always wondered what it would have been like to not be a ninja. Both of my parents were fighters, but look where that got them.

When I was around the age of six, my cousin Hinata was kidnapped by a warrior from the Land of Lightning. When my Uncle killed the man in defense, the Lightning Village demanded a body in exchange. My father was ordered to go in exchange for his brother. Or so I thought.

A few years ago I learned that my father went to the other village of his own free will. My uncle had actually ordered him not to, but my father was resolute.

So, here I am now, sitting on a bench watching Tenten and Lee have a very debated conversation on something probably insignificant. I smile as I study them each steadily grow animated.

Suddenly, Tenten lets off an offended growl and takes a swing for Lee's face. He ducks and then jumps back five feet or so to give himself clearance. I hear, "I did not say anything about your weight!"

"Tenten…relax," I say offhandedly. The expressions on their faces and their calming actions let me know that I've gained more than I've lost, especially in the friendship and respect departments.

**that no matter what comes, emotions are always first…**

I lean up against a fence, book held up to my face. I'm not really reading it, but only using it as a cover so I can have time to think. It's my favorite thinking spot, in fact. Not many cross by here, and those who do are never looking for me, so I find solitude in the stillness of it all.

I think about missions and responsibility mostly while I'm here.

I despise every time I hear my name called by one of Tsunade's guards, because I know what my name entails. Each and every time I'm in her office I feel like I'm going to explode with the pressure… the pressure to succeed and to put my life on the line, without showing fear; without showing that I am human. But I always fail in that department, no matter how hard I try. My emotions get in the way. I guess it's like Zabuza said; 'No matter how hard a shinobi tries, he will always have emotions.'

I always thought that was true, until I met Sai, and pretty much dumped that theory into the garbage. Now all I want to do is help that boy learn how to feel, just like everyone else.

I'm interrupted from my mind numbing rampage by the boy of my thoughts. He's approaching slowly with Naruto and Sakura. The former is trying to tell him something of great importance, it looks like, while the latter is trying not to look annoyed, but not doing very well.

Naruto looks up in time to see me slip my book into my pocket. "Hey Kakashi-Sensei!" he calls. All three step up to me simultaneously, Naruto looking a little giddy. I motion for all three to follow me to the training fields.

On the way there I hear, "So Kakashi, what are we doing today?" I ignore Sai's question and make a gesture with my head, leading them to a desolate spot sparsely decorated with trees.

When I was young I always thought that carrying out the mission was the number one priority, until my father taught me other wise. Now I know what will best it every time. "Lesson Number One…" I pause for dramatic affect. "Heart."

**that drinking actually does help, in some ways…**

"'Nother bo'le please," I murmur. The bar-keep reaches underneath the counter and hauls out four ceramic cylinders filled with an assortment of drinks, ranging from extremely tangy concoctions, to things even a child would hardly bat an eye at.

I take the one I want and then pull my small shot glass to me and pour some in. I take a sip and then let my arm fall to the table as I pretend to doze off. "Miss?" a man to my right says, nudging me. I fly upright and turn to him, eyes half lidded as I fake my sleepiness. "Are you going to drink that?" he asks.

"I tell yah what!" I say. "You can have that if you beat me in a bet!"

"You mean a contest?" he says, taking a sip of whatever had been stewing in his glass.

"Damn right I mean a contest!" I shout, getting up from my seat and 'tripping' on one of the stool legs.

"Alright," he says, obviously thinking that whatever we were going to do he could beat me. Sucker. "If I win, you give me your liquor and then buy me drinks for the rest of the night."

"And If I win, you pay me 3,000 ryo." Astonishingly, he says yes. "So…we… try to be the first person… to…" I say, laying it on quite thick. He looks like he is contemplating a contest that we could possibly have, when a woman (that looks to be in her forties and slightly over weight) approaches us. She has the makeup caked on, and dons a big, flimsy beach hat on her head. Apparently she can dance (or at least thinks she can), because she has a gypsy/belly dancer outfit on, though luckily it covers her stomach.

"I couldn't help but overhear your conversation…" she drones, taking a sip of a cocktail that sits in her hand. "If I can participate, I have a suggestion." She doesn't elaborate further, but takes another sip of her drink and gives me a superior look, as if she knows something I don't. We don't respond, but the man beside me looks at her strangely, while I try to remember where I've seen her face.

"The name's Rosina," she supplies, taking another sip of her drink. "And I propose that we have an arm wrestling contest."

"Tsunade," I say. '_I knew I recognized her,' _I think, remembering all the times I'd observed this woman.

"You've got to be kidding me," the man asks more than says. "There's no way two women can beat me; a man." He points to himself while I hide my smirk.

"Is that so?" I question. He nods solemnly. Rosina leans back on one of her legs, cocks her head back, then laughs at the man. I'm talking down-right barking. I smile.

"Yah, it _is_ so," he pushes confidently. "And I bet I can beat the pants offa both of you."

Rosina sits on the countertop, slides her self around then jumps off the other side, grabbing a stool from underneath the bar top. Surprisingly, she ignores the call for the alcohol hiding underneath. The barkeep is all the way on the other end of the bar, completely oblivious to us three.

Rosina sticks her elbow up on top of the counter, taking another swig from her drink with her other hand. "Me first." I know now that she recognized me the instant she saw my face. Tricky devil.

"Alright," he says hotly, and then too leans his arm up there. I laugh at the man, because as long as I've been traveling, I've never seen any woman as strong as her that _isn't_ a ninja. We go way back, me having met her when I first left the leaf.

They clasp hands, and just like that, she emerges the victor, leaving the man to stare at their hands. "I demand a redo!" he screeches.

"Fine," she says. And, just like that, she wins again. The man grumbles, then hands her the cash, not even bothering to remember our end of the deal. Not that I care. He leaves, taking the remainder of his drink with him

"Swift," I say. She grins at me, grabbing half the money and handing it to me. I stare it quizzically.

"You set the trap, I just finished him off. Go ahead, take it." And for once I don't really feel up to arguing.

**that teachers are strange…**

Ever since I was first promoted to genin, my _teacher _Orochimaru seemed a bit shady. I was pretty much willing to let it pass because he was teaching me a whole crap load of techniques, including kick-ass snake summons. For some reason, he seemed to favor me over my other two teammates. That became extremely apparent when he put the curse seal on me, and not them. After that, (stupid, over-bearing, traitor) _sensei_ became even more secluded, and he eventually left the village.

Kurenai Yuhi always seemed completely normal. Normal, that is, until I had to go on my first mission with her. She always got sick after she killed a lot of people (The blood -or maybe the thought of tearing someone away from the world, never giving them a chance to say good bye to everyone they loved- could have done it). I always thought this was strange, because being a shinobi, you were required to kill.

Kakashi Hatake seemed even more abnormal. He showed less emotions than a rock, and he always wore that strange mask. I used to take a daily stroll around one of the back fields of the village. Every time I walked by, there he'd stand; looking at that same KIA monument (probably thinking about his teammates; the old and new).

Asuma Sarutobi had eternally smoked cigarettes. He started when he was around sixteen years old. Before every mission, he'd smoke two; one for his father, and one for his mother. Or so he told me long ago (I sure miss him).

Iruka Umino always seemed calmest on the outside, but I've known him forever. I've seen him through his bad times and his best times. I was there for him when his parents were killed. He never knew that I used to give him birthday and Christmas presents every year, along with fresh dango, leaving them by his door (with an occasional note). Sure he got them, but it always puzzled him to no end when he couldn't figure out who was giving them to him (back then, he wasn't a very good ninja).

Maito Gai was probably the most… _unique_ one out of all of them. What with his strange fetish for green jumpsuits and bowl cuts. Most times when I went on missions, he'd be a total goofball the whole time (as his still is today), but the minute something important came up, he'd immediately calm down and keep complete focus.

I like to think that I was probably one of the most normal people out of the Jounin, considering what I had gone through in my childhood. I never got any sick joy out of killing people, but it didn't make me upset. I never wore anything ridiculous looking (though most people think what I wear _now_ is ridiculous). I never carried around anything I didn't need, including cigarettes, extra weapons, training weights, and most importantly: guilt.

Now some of these people's current habits reflect on what they used to be (but sometimes, they can break there new ones _and _their old ones).

Kurenai never gets (gut-wretching) sick anymore. Kakashi still wears that same (annoying) face-concealing mask, but he never visits the grave stone more than once a week. Asuma cannot smoke any more, due to obvious reasons (but Kurenai likes to think that he is still enjoying himself _up there_). Orochimaru is still leaching off others (_literally)_. Gai loves his bowl cut and green jumpsuit (but they come second to his students now). Iruka still doesn't know to this day that it was me (and still is me) that brought (brings) food and presents to his house.

I myself have changed the most. I wear different clothing to express myself, instead of using the emotions that we shinobi were (supposed) to get rid of. I still hate my teacher. I don't have any weird quirks either, like walking with senbon hanging from my mouth (as Genma does) and I don't cough all day (as Hiyate used to).

But, people still think I'm strange, and I don't think it's ever going to change.

**that the smallest things insult a girl…**

I have to meet her today at the Hokage's office, and then take her...somewhere. I'm on my way to the office right now, walking down the road. I hate my life.

She doesn't visit our village often, but when she does it practically drives me up the wall. She always says things to me that get in my brain and plant themselves right the back, where they can come out at inopportune times. And by inopportune times, I mean when I'm busy on a mission, or mom is lecturing me about trying harder, or whatever it is that she's saying.

She's one of the cockiest girls I know, but for some reason no one else seems to take notice of this fact. Choji doesn't usually seem fazed by her presence, while Ino seems to love her. She also thinks that I have a crush on _that girl_. Which I don't. We talk sometimes, but it's only 'cause she's one of her brothers diplomats.

I always have to walk her around the village. She knows the whole place as if it was her own home village, but every time she comes, Tsunade assigns me the task of 'guiding' her. They are all insufferable women, really.

Not many people have blonde hair from our village. Besides the Yamanaka clan, there's probably only ten or twenty people have that color (including the Fifth and future Hokage, Naruto). Even less parade around in a long black dress…thing. And even _less _hang a humongous fan on their back and tie a sand hitai-ite around their forehead. So when the villagers catch even a glance of her near me, they automatically assume that I'm on a date with _her_. Tch, _date_.

And, since almost everyone thinks that I like her, I'm going to go over a list of reasons why I don't. First: there's the age difference. I'm almost fifteen while she's seventeen. Second: She's from the Sand. While I suppose it would help with bonding the village, not much good would come from it. She'd have to be away from her home village way to much. Third:… I don't like her.

Finally I arrive at the office and take my time opening the door. "Finally you're here, you lazy bum," she sneers.

"Temari…" I mumble as a greeting. She's standing back to, facing the Hokage at her desk. I self-consciously check her out. I don't like to, but I'm a guy and that's what I do. Somehow, she seams different. Finally, she turns to me.

"Have you gained weight?" I ask, giving a skeptical look. She narrows her eyes, and before I know it, she's kicked me between the legs. I fall down to the ground in pain, rolling on the floor. The Hokage does nothing, because _apparently_, I must have deserved it.

**that rejection only hurts for a little while…**

Surprisingly, I took the whole thing of Sakura dating other people very well. By the time she was nearing marriage, I had almost forgotten how much I used to like her.

I remember the first time I saw her out with someone. Kiba Inuzuka, I believe it was. Who am I kidding, I _know _it was Kiba. They were out on a walk together when I passed. I smiled sadly, knowing that could have been me, _if_ I was a different person. She was laughing as they passed; his hand around her waist as he told some story. That was their first and only date.

After Kiba it was, strangely enough, Neji. I was mildly confused at this time because I assumed that Neji liked my other teammate, Tenten.

Sakura and Neji went on one date, just as Kiba and she had, and it ended horribly. Apparently, Neji was only dating Sakura because he was trying to get Tenten jealous. Surprisingly, it wasn't the pink-haired girl who got angry and upset, it was Tenten. She found them while they were at the restaurant and then proceeded to slap Neji across the face and _then_ stock off angrily. Gai-sensei and I often like to bring that story up when we get together with them.

And so it went; Sakura dated many other guys, but none of them me. And I was sad…for a while. But I got over it.

It seems that the longer you love someone, the happier you want them to be. It holds true today. I still want the former love-of-my-life to be the happiest she can, and if that happens, I shall die a content man.

Most people say that rejection only hurts for a little while. I think they're right.


End file.
